Things I Never Said
by thegoodgirldoll
Summary: Hermione visits Remus's grave and mulls over their memories, and things she never said. Oneshot. Please R&R.


**Author's Note: This story is close to my heart, and I hope you all enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Please review.**

**Blessings,**

**Sarah. **

Hermione swallowed thickly as she pushed open the gate to the cemetery. The wind kicked up around her, tousling leaves carelessly on the ground and chilling her insides. For a moment her thoughts wondered to how he had felt on full moons during the winter- did he get quite cold? She figured with the fur, he didn't, and smiled at the thought of him having _some small _form of comfort throughout his life. She knew that everyone thought the same of him, that he was miserable; that his life was. But Hermione never saw him that way.

'It's just his personality,' she'd assure. 'He's only having a bad day.'

She felt good defending him- he needed someone to. Sighing as she stepped across the small stones and wilted grass, her cloak slid against the ground. She knew she'd have to clean it; it had rained only yesterday and the ground was muddy. Her eyes caught sight of the grave, and she only saw it from so far away by the small stuffed wolf lying there. Andromeda had already brought Teddy by, and rightfully so. It was Remus's birthday. She smiled slightly, willing herself not to cry _yet. _She had plenty of time for tears as she mulled over memories.

Finally, she knelt beside his grave: slowly at first, then she just fell into sitting position, crossing her arms atop the tombstone and letting her head fall as she cried. Her hair hung loosely over the stone, covering his epitaph.

"Professor," she mumbled pitifully, tears clinging to her cheeks.

After awhile, she gained her composure. She knew Remus would be gently scolding her right now, his small and knowing smile playing on his lips; this was no way for the Brightest Witch of her Age to act. She stared at the name for awhile, and traced it with her finger numbly.

"Happy Birthday, Professor Lupin," she whispered.

She didn't wait for a response before continuing… she wasn't dull enough to try and hear him. She wasn't spiritual.

"I always loved that you listened to me, Profes- _Remus," _she corrected herself, remembering when he asked her to address him by his first name. "I loved knowing you'd listen to anything I had to say…But I wish I could hear your response."

Hermione laughed as one memory in particular pulled at her heartstrings.

_Hermione knocked hesitantly on the door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room. Professor McGonagall walked by, offering Hermione a knowing smile. It wasn't rare for Hermione to venture into the Professor's quarters to hold conversation. Minerva wasn't surprised, either. She knew Hermione and Remus would get on well, just as well as herself and the young witch got along. The door opened quickly, and Remus stood there, beaming._

_ "I could have guessed it was you, stranger. Decided to seek my guidance, again, Miss Granger?" _

_Hermione smiled as Remus shut the door behind them, and offered her the seat opposite his desk. He took a seat before taking up the cutting of roots he had been working on. _

_ "I hope I'm not interrupting," Hermione stated. _

_Remus laughed as he tossed the small bits into a bowl. "Only my lunch," he laughed. "What can I do for you? I haven't finished the grades for your year yet." _

_ "Oh no, it has nothing to do with that. I figured you could just send me an owl over holidays containing those results. I actually came to give you this," she pulled out a small package from beneath her cloak, not waiting for his response about the owling. _

_ "What do we have here?" He asked, wiping his hands clean of the root's juices. _

_ "Just something before we leave for Christmas. You've been a great deal of help to me this year, and I just wanted to say thank you."_

_ "You didn't have to do this, Hermione," he whispered. "But thank you. Would you like me to open it now?" _

_ "If you care to," she replied, her smile showing him quite blatantly that she wanted him to._

_He unwrapped the packaging quickly, taking care not to rip it. Remus was somewhat OCD. Hermione chuckled and he looked up at her, grinning. "Hey, don't make fun of me now!" He warned, tossing the paper to the side. She watched his reaction nervously. She hadn't known what to get him; only that she wanted to get him __**something. **__She supposed she had made the right choice; he smiled largely as he glanced up at her._

_ "You really want me to read this, terribly, don't you?" He asked, turning the book so he could read the back of it. _

_ "Yes, I do. I think you'll like it, though," she assured._

_ "I'm sure I will, Miss Granger," he replied, removing the letter that was placed carefully at the bottom of the box. _

_ "I gave you my address on that. I'd like to know my owl results, is all," she stated quietly. _

_Remus looked at her as her eyes found her lap, and he noticed the nervous chewing of her lip she so obviously displayed. _

_ "Maybe if you need advice over the holidays, you can owl back after I send you your grades. I will indeed be doing that, mind you."_

_Hermione looked up at him, smiling. "Thank you, professor. I suppose my holidays won't be too dull after all." _

_Remus laughed. "A young girl like you should have plenty to do. You can reply if you find the time."_

_With that, they both stood, and he offered her a friendly hug before she exited his class room. He smiled to himself briefly before getting back to making his lunch. _

Hermione's memories of Remus were a funny thing. Sometimes, when she wanted so terribly to remember a conversation they had, it would hurt…and she would remember nothing. But other times, the littlest things reminded her of how he treated her; how he acted around her. She remembered the smallest of memories, the ones that made her smile, and think. It seemed to her that she was beginning to miss him more every day, because she had no one to tell her heart to anymore- no one to challenge her. She grinned at a memory that still challenged her to this day.

_It was a week before she would complete her third year at Hogwarts. She rubbed the sweat away from her neck and freed herself of her cloak as she walked the stairs to Professor Lupin's classroom. The rested the black fabric over her arm and knocked boldly. She needed to know for herself if the rumors were true. For once, Remus didn't come to the door to invite her in. the door flung open from a wave of his wand and she took in his haggard appearance immediately. His hair was flecked with more grey, his eyes were dull with dark circles around them, and his cloak hung loosely over his frame. He coughed violently into his arm as Hermione stared at him, only breaking her gaze when she remembered that wasn't polite. Besides, she felt the egg shells she was walking on today- it wasn't where she needed to be right now, with him feeling ill and in such a horrid mood. She considered just turning around; she had come to see the rumors were true and that had been all she wanted. She sighed angrily. Well, no, it wasn't all she wanted. Deep down in her heart she knew she had come because she believed the rumors, and she wanted one last conversation with him as her professor. _

_ "Long time no see, Miss Granger," Remus stated as warmly as he could. _

_She nodded to him. "I haven't been too afraid, if that is what you're hinting at, professor."_

_Remus's eyes sparkled momentarily, and that was when she realized that sometimes, you needed to put yourself out of your comfort zone for those you care for. He still seemed somewhat rigid, but she continued on. _

_ "I just came to see if the rumors were true, and…Professor, you look terrible!" She cried against her better judgment. _

_Remus took in a deep breath and walked toward the door to greet her properly. He hugged her loosely, and Hermione felt the familiar, friendly kiss he placed atop her head. _

_ "I've looked worse, Hermione. Please don't worry," he spoke genuinely, looking into her eyes for a quick moment. _

_Hermione couldn't help it when her eyes filled with tears. _

_ "Professor, I don't want you to leave. It isn't fair!"_

_ "Don't worry, Hermione," he didn't embrace her like she was sure he would. Instead, he stood rigid against the doorframe, as though beckoning God to let her leave. "We'll meet again sometime."_

_With a cold turn of the shoulder, Hermione began to walk away before he was finished. She hadn't turned back. _

Hermione let her tears flow onto the gravestone freely.

She was angry with herself at this memory. She wished she hadn't left him like that; coldly, as though she had never cared.

"Remus, I wish I had told you then how much you meant to me. I thought you'd fight for me if I left it alone, but I was wrong. I should have showed more initiative. I shouldn't have waited until now…I'm sorry that I dropped you so quickly as a mentor, I just figured that you were over listening to me."

Her tears poured from her cheeks as a last, painful memory hit her.

_"Harry! You need to apologize!"_

_ "No, I don't! Why don't you go talk to him if he's so important, Hermione? You're the one that saw through his poor me act anyway! You go!"_

_Hermione glared at him and stood violently from the table._

_ "Fine, I will! Ronald?" She asked, staring at her closer friend._

_ "I'm sorry, Mione'. Bloke shouldn't have left his wife."_

_ "There are a lot of things you two shouldn't do either, but it's human to make mistakes!"_

_ "I suppose animals make worse ones, then," Harry shot back, regretting his words as Remus re-appeared in the kitchen._

_ "Right," the older man started. "I'll just be excusing myself. Thank you for the dinner, Hermione."_

_With one last glare at the two boys, Hermione ran out the door after her former professor._

_ "Remus!" She called, her breath already caught in her throat as the cold air hit her, seeping into her lungs._

_For a moment, he kept walking, but she heard him sigh as the whistling of the wind died down, and then he turned to face her. She noticed his hair: greyer and thinner. His clothes still hung loosely on his frame, and he wasn't as clean shaven as he had been when she was in school. _

_ "Harry didn't mean it, Remus. He's just sore. He doesn't understand."_

_ "Neither do you," Remus stated bitterly. _

_ "Remus, I know I don't have a spouse or child, but I-"_

_ "-Hermione you think I left Tonks just like I left you!" He almost shouted. _

_His words hit her square in the chest, and she breathed out a cloud of white smoke as she took them in fully._

_ "Why did you leave like that, Remus?" She stepped closer to him._

_ "It was too much, Hermione. You relied on me too much, and I was scared. I'm scared that Tonks and Teddy are going to be the same way." _

_ "I never relied on you for anything, Remus, I knew better. You," her eyes filled with tears. "You were my __**friend. **__You were one of my closest __**friends. **__But suit yourself. I see that you'd rather turn away that appreciate the last four years. You'd rather turn away, than appreciate your family. They need you, Remus."_

_He stared at her, and for a moment, the hurt was visible to him. But only a moment._

_ "There is a gap between us, Remus, but there isn't one between you and your wife. Don't leave her and regret it."_

_With that, Hermione turned to walk back into Grimmauld Place. _

_Remus didn't run after her, or utter another word. It would be inappropriate. But she was a young girl, still, one that had indeed grown so much…one that hadn't spoken to him in so long. She didn't need guidance like she used to, and he knew he was getting older. He couldn't let her use him as a crutch anymore- she had to grown on her own. With a small smile at their mutual understanding, he turned to return to his small family. They needed him now._

Hermione smiled slightly, remembering his 'good luck' yelled to her during the final battle, a few of the letters he had written her, and small gifts he had given her throughout their speaking and friendship. She held them dear to her heart, just like the good memories he had given her. It was then that she realized he had done it on purpose. Because unlike paper, and presents…memories would never fade. Finally, he had given a piece of himself to someone he knew would carry on his name; someone he knew would continue to speak of him long after he was gone. Someone who would never stop visiting him, no matter how little he replied, or no matter how far he was.

"I miss you, professor," Hermione spoke softly. "Those are the words I wish I had told you that night."

She ran her fingers one more time over the name on the stone.

"But I assume, and I do _love _to believe, that we _both _didn't speak those words…Because I could tell that you missed me too."


End file.
